Ogden Nash makes me laugh.


I am not yet a wife, but I’ll bet my brothers feel this way sometimes (the second half, after the bold text. :) ):

Oh Daddy, look at that man, excuse my pointing, but just look at him!
He’s in a frenzy or something, as if a red rag or something had been shook at him!
His eyes are rolling like a maniac’s,
Oh, isn’t it shocking how insaniacs!
Oh Daddy, he is talking to thin air,
He is having a long conversation with somebody who isn’t there!
He is talking to himself, he must be under the influence of either Luna or Bacchus;
Oh Daddy, Daddy, I think we had better go a long way away from him immediately because on in his condition might at any moment have an impulse to atacchus!
Nay, hush ye, hush ye, do not fret ye, my little manchild,
Who if your parents hadn’t been Caucasian would have been an ebony or copper or tan child,
Life will teach you many thing,s chief of which is that every man who talks to himself isn’t necessarily out of his wits;
He may have a wife who knits.
Probably only he and his Maker
Know how many evenings he has spent trying to raise a conversation while his beloved created sweaters by the acre.
Ah, my inquiring offspring you must lean that life can be very bitter,
But never quite so much so as when trying to pry a word out of a knitter.
Sometimes she knits and sits,
Sometimes she sits and knits,
And you tell her what you have been doing all day and you ask what she has been doing all day and nothing happens, and you tell her what you would like to do this evening and ask her what she would like to do this evening and nothing happens, and you think you will disintegrate if you don’t get some response, and you speak tenderly of your courtship and your bridal,
And you might just as well try to get a response out of an Oriental idol,
And you notice a spasmodic movement of her lips,
And you think she is going to say something but she is only counting the number of stitches it takes to surround the hips;
And she furrows her beautiful brow, which is a sign that something is wrong somewhere and you keep on talking ad disregard the sign,
And she casts a lethal glance, as one who purls before swine,
And this goes on for weeks
At the end of which she lays her work down and speaks,
And you think now maybe you can have some home life but she speaks in a tone as far off as Mercury or Saturn,
And says thank goodness that is finished, it is a sight and she will never be able to wear it, but it doesn’t matter because she can hardly wait to start on an adorable new pattern,
And when this has been going on for a long time, why that’s the time that strong men break down and go around talking to themselves in public, finally,
And it doesn’ t mean, my boy, that they are weak mentally or spinally,
It doesn’t mean, my boy, that they ought to be in an asylum like Nijinsky the dancer,
It only means that they got into the habit of talking to themselves at home because they themselves were the only people they could talk to and get an answer.

LOL. ♥

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